


Give me something to hold onto

by Lizzyboo



Series: Lost My Way [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012 Phan, Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Making Up, Part Two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 00:36:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11452344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizzyboo/pseuds/Lizzyboo
Summary: Dan and Phil need to learn how to be together again, but can they do it when everything feels so broken?---------------------------inspired by the song-  Woke The F*ck Up by Jon Bellion





	Give me something to hold onto

**Author's Note:**

> this is part two of the story "bored", you should read it first if you haven't :)

In the first two days of Phil’s absence Dan didn’t try to contact him at all. A mixture of pride and confusion ruled his mind and stopped him every time his fingers hovered over the keyboard, trying to think of a text to send. 

On the evening that Phil left, Dan went out again with his university friends with a big fuck you Phil attitude. He dragged them to a party that was way too loud and way too crowded, and spent half of his night drinking alone in a corner and being rude to his friends when they tried to talk to him. 

Eventually they got sick of him being a prick and left him to be miserable by himself, to which he just grumbled something barely audible and stayed at the exact same spot. 

He got shoved into a taxi a few hours later by an angry looking bouncer and spent all of the ride home ranting to the driver (who didn’t speak a word of English) about all of his life’s problems.

\----------------------------

The second day he spent in his bed, leaving just to go to the bathroom. He slept through the day and lay awake in the night, thinking and re-enacting the same conversation over and over again in his head. 

It’s not that he didn’t know that he was in the wrong, because he did, very much so. Every word Phil said echoed in his mind, louder and angrier than Phil probably intended it to be. Every syllable contributed to the heavy guilty mass that settled in his chest and refuse to let his heart beat in a normal pace. 

But still, he couldn’t make himself pick up the phone. 

It was all very frustrating for him. He could feel his most important relationship crumbling and slipping from his grasp, but his body refused to let him do anything about it. 

And it was hard for him to see now, looking backwords, how they got to this point. 

When did Dan stop being careful with his actions? When did he stop being afraid of losing Phil and started taking things between them for granted? 

When was the point where everyone else’s thoughts and opinions started to mater more than Phil’s? 

For Dan, Phil was security and comfort, and somewhere in his subconscious he probably felt he would always be there, even if Dan treated him like crap.

And Dan needed to treat someone like crap. 

He felt suffocated by everything and everyone shoving his every documented move down his throat in an attempt to fulfil some weird fantasy they had with him in the main role, disregarding his privacy and personal boundaries. 

And he got frustrated from feeling that none of this sudden attention had anything to do with his content or talent or efforts. 

And even though it was childish on his part, he felt the constant need to separate himself from Phil, to show everyone he didn’t need some cheap gimmick to make a career for himself. 

But none of this was fair to Phil. 

And when Dan tried to put himself in Phil’s shoes, tried to imagine what it was like to be so isolated by the man he loved, to feel like a punching bag in the worst days, and plain invisible in the best, it made him burst into tears, shoving his face into his pillow that smelled like nothing comforting at all. 

And he knew that the pressure he was feeling and the fear of being judged by something that had nothing to do with him as a creator wasn’t an excuse to act up and to throw tantrums, to shout and to yell at everyone who was still willing to listen that he and Phil were not, and never will be, in a relationship. 

Except they were. And Dan messed it up, because shutting Phil out of his professional life just felt like not enough. 

Suddenly everything felt like a camera and Phil felt like an enemy that needed to be beaten. 

And Dan tried very hard not to think about Phil’s words that night in his bed. Because Dan never thought he would be the kind of partner that would make his lover feel used. 

But the harsh words, leaving Phil’s gentle mouth, made him roll into himself a little more and sob a little louder. 

Everything was so wrong between them, to the point where Dan was not sure it was worth fixing. 

But still, on the third day, after waking up and feeling that the proud, stubborn part of his brain started to get smaller and smaller, and the void that formed in his chest from Phil’s absence started to get bigger and bigger, Dan finally picked up his phone and sent Phil a message. 

 

To: Phil 12:03 pm  
hi

 

He debated with himself for a good 10 minutes, trying to decide what more to say, before giving up and throwing the phone on the mattress, getting up to take a much needed shower. 

He scrubbed himself clean, feeling the need to linger longer than usual, to put a little more soap and scrub a little harder. 

The truth is, he was terrified to go back to his room and look at his phone. Terrified to realise once and for all that he ruined any chance to make things better between him and Phil. 

And a part of him understood that maybe that was for the better, that maybe it was time to call it a day and walk away before the situation could turn into something worse. Before this relationship would turn into something even more toxic, something they both wouldn’t be able to recover from. 

He understood all of this. He did. 

But still. 

He couldn’t ignore the other part of him. The one that was growing with fear and anxiety. The one that was screaming in his ear to just fix it, to do anything and everything to keep Phil by his side. 

He was able to stall for about half an hour, making himself something to eat after the shower and making his way slowly back to his bedroom. 

When he finally had the courage to lift up his phone and look, he felt such a strong relief wash over him it even made his head feel a little dizzy. 

 

From: Phil 12:18  
hey

 

He wasn’t even that surprised at the feeling of tears streaming down his face. The huge rock that was sitting on his heart lifted itself for moment, letting him breath deeply and a little easier for a few minutes. 

And though it was only a short response, only 3 letters, it gave him the incredible feeling of hope that maybe things could be fixed between them.

 

\------------------------------

 

On the fourth day he mustered up the courage to send Phil another message. 

 

To: Phil 2:43 pm 

How are things at home? 

 

This time he didn’t even try to pretend not to wait anxiously for a replay, sitting with his phone in his hands and staring at it pointedly. 

The notion that he was able to let Phil go felt silly to him now. 

It hit him suddenly that it had been so long since he last stared at his phone like this, wishing for Phil to throw him the smallest bone. 

It all felt so far from him now. 

For the last few months almost every conversation with Phil made him feel irritated. All the cute little quirks that used to be charming in his eyes started to get on his nerves, making him feel impatient and frustrated. 

But he knew that a big part of it was that he was still mad at Phil. 

Mad that he didn’t share his point of view. Mad that he refused to help Dan defuse the situation. But most of all he was mad that his and Phil’s relationship was the soures of the problem. 

And yeah, maybe it wasn’t really Phil’s fault. They were both a part of this relationship, both were a little carless at the beginning and both were paying for it now. 

But Dan was nothing if not a little self-cantered, and it was a lot easier to blame Phil instead of accepting that the situation wasn’t really anyone’s fault. It was easier to have a direction to point a blaming finger at, to feel like someone screwed up and needed to face the consequences.

 

But Dan had forgotten that people don’t have to stay by your side if it didn’t benefit them in any way. And even though Phil was a pretty selfless guy most of the time, he wouldn’t stay in a situation that was bad for him. Not if Dan was going to keep treating him the same way, not if nothing was going to change. 

 

From: Phil 15:07

They’re fine. Mom made the chocolate chip muffins that I like so that’s good

 

Dan smiled at the message, feeling his heart speeding up a bit and a smile stretching on his face. 

 

To: Phil 15:09  
Jealous 

 

It was defiantly tense between them but it was better than nothing. They were talking, kind of, and Phil seemed willing to communicate with him, which was honestly better than Dan expected or deserved. 

 

\-----------------

 

On the fifth day Dan started to feel fear again. He wanted Phil to come home. He wanted to talk to him and try to make it all better. To tell him that he did want to be with him, that being with him was worth all the backlash they were facing. 

And he wanted to apologize. Because now, thinking back on their conversation, Dan couldn’t remember saying he was sorry even once. Not for any of the things he did that hurt Phil. 

 

To: Phil 5:31 pm 

When are you coming home? 

 

He sent it on an impulse. Not really thinking about the implication, not thinking if it was right to pressure Phil into coming back just yet.

Maybe he needed more time. Maybe he was still not sure what the right thing was for him. 

Maybe he was not coming back at all. 

 

From: Phil 5:35 pm 

Do you want me to come home? 

 

This time Dan didn’t hesitate before sending a quick ‘yes’. 

 

From: Phil 5:40 pm 

Then soon

 

\----------------------------------

On the sixth day Dan didn’t contact Phil at all. Wanting to give him as much time as he needed. 

This resolution lasted exactly 24 hours, and on the seventh day he felt like his body was physically aching for Phil to come home already. 

 

To: Phil 10:30 am 

Come home please

 

From: Phil 10:38 am 

Okay

 

\-----------------------------------

 

Phil came home on the evening of the same day. 

Dan was in his room when he heard the door being open and shut. He got up from his bed (where he was lying the majority of the day) and made his way to the front door, feeling anxious and uneasy. 

He met Phil half way there, both stopping in their tracks and staring at each other like deers caught in the headlights, lost and trying to figure out what was the next appropriate step. 

Phil looked worn out, exhausted, like he didn’t have a good night sleep all week. Dan realised that he probably didn’t look much better himself. 

He wanted to take Phil’s hand and drag him to the bedroom, force him into a much needed cuddle and sleep for at least three days straight. But he couldn’t do that, he wasn’t allowed to anymore. At least not for now. 

Dan cleared his throat. 

“Hey…” he said after the silence started to feel uncomfortable. 

“Hi,” Phil answered, looking at him expectedly, like he was waiting for Dan to make some kind of a move. 

And even though Dan felt his heart bit like crazy in his chest, and every bone in his body told him to get back to his room, to flee the situation, he took the few steps separating him from Phil and stood right in front of him, looking at his red rimmed, tired blue eyes. 

He reached out and with little to no objection from Phil took the bag he was carrying out of his hands and put it on the floor next to their feet. He lifted up his arms, slowly, and wrapped them around Phil’s body gently, afraid of crossing a line. 

It felt like forever before Phil hugged back, timid, but Dan waited patiently, not moving from his position. When he felt Phil’s fingers squeezing around the material of his shirt Dan finally let out the breath he was holding and pulled Phil a little bit closer to him, one hand moving to the back of his head, tangling his fingers in his hair and massaging the scalp in a way that always helped Phil relax. 

That, apparently, was the wrong move. 

Phil immediately went rigid in his arms and pulled away from him, taking a step back and making sure they had enough distance between them. 

Dan tried very hard to stop his heart from breaking. He deserve that, he reminded himself. He should be glad Phil didn’t slap him on the face the minute he walked in. 

“I…um… going to put my stuff in my room, and then I think we should talk.” Phil said, his voice tight, trying to hold emotion back. 

Dan was petrified of this conversation. Phil didn’t give him any clue if what he had to say was good or bad. Any indication if Dan should be hopeful or not. 

But still, no matter what, Dan decided he was going to say what he had to say. He wasn’t going to give up on them without a fight. 

He was sick of playing this game with Phil, trying to challenge him and beat him to submission. He didn’t care anymore if he had the upper hand. He didn’t care if he came off as desperate or if his ego would take a hit in the process. He needed to fight for this, for their relationship, for the person he loved. 

And for once, it had to be him that would do the fighting, because Phil was tired of this battle, that much was clear. And it was time for Dan to show him he wasn’t fighting on his own. 

Dan made his way to the lounge and set on a chair. The same one he was set on a week ago when they first started this conversation. And he was determined to not let it go down the same way it did last time.

When Phil walked in and took his place on the couch in front of Dan, Dan had a hard time keeping himself feeling optimistic. 

Phil looked so done with the situation. His expression was closed off and distant, his eyes tired and red, his body language tense and unapproachable. 

He was so different from the Phil Dan was used to. So different from the giggly, loving and happy person Dan knew him as. And in addition to everything, Dan suddenly felt incredibly guilty for creating this gloomy, sad version of Phil. For making him look like the broken, pale shell that was sitting in front of him now. 

“I just… I don’t know how to start this Dan. I don’t know what more to say.” Phil's sudden words made Dan snap from the daze he was in. 

He was staring at his hands that were resting in his lap, refusing to meet Dan’s eyes. 

“I spent this whole week going through everything in my head, trying to decide what the best thing we should do here is, but nothing became clearer.” He took in a big breath and exhaled slowly while Dan felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest. 

“My mom said that she think we should break up. She said that it was clear to her that I’m miserable, that we both are.” He made a weird sound, something between a laugh and a sob. 

Dan felt his own eyes starting to spill tears down his face with no warning, making his vision blurry. 

He always loved the Lesters. They were all so similar to Phil, loving and bubbly and accepting of Dan, and it was hard not to be charmed by this peculiar group of people. 

And the thought that he had disappointed them, that he had somehow made them regret accepting him so wholeheartedly into their family, made his throat close off. They trusted him with Phil’s heart, trusted him not to let him get hurt, trusted him to always make sure Phil was happy and safe. 

And what did he do with this trust? He abused it, acting like he didn’t have to be accountable for anything he did, acting like he had no one to answer to at the end of the day. 

He felt like he was going to be sick. 

Suddenly two blue, wet, teary eyes were staring back at him from the couch, a pained expression in them. 

“What do you think Dan? What do you want?” 

“I…” 

He was feeling lost. All of the things he wanted to say to Phil, all the decisions he made were stuck in his throat and refused to come out. 

But when he saw Phil’s face starting to close off again, his mouth stretch into a thin line and his eyes once again averting from Dan’s gaze, Dan knew he had to do something, say something, anything that can make the situation at least a little bit better. 

“I don’t want to break up.” He managed to say, looking desperately at Phil, trying to communicate to him without speaking how serious he was. 

Phil let his eyes go back to Dan’s once again, waiting for him to continue. 

He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. 

“I know I didn’t exactly show it recently, but I do want to be with you Phil.” 

Dan’s eyes were still leaking and his voice sounded small and unsure even in his ears.

Phil’s face scrunched up and tears started to spill in an increasing speed out of his eyes. 

“Do you Dan? Because I don’t want you to stay just because it’s easier than to leave. I don’t want you to stay if you’re just afraid of taking the leap and being alone. I am not going to be your easy choice.” 

And after that, Dan couldn’t take the distance between them anymore. He got up from his chair and made his way to the couch, sitting next to Phil, being careful not to sit to close and invade his personal space to much. 

He reached out slowly, taking Phil’s hand in his. When he felt no objection from Phil, he squeezed the pale fingers a little tighter, trying to ease both of their pain with a simple touch. 

“No… Phil… it’s not that at all. I know it was all so bad between us lately, and I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry for hurting you, for acting the way I did. Everything got mixed up in my head and I wasn’t sure on which side you were anymore. And I know it’s not an excuse, I know I was shitty and just not a good partner to you, but I really don’t want to break up. I want to work on it and make it better.” 

Phil was avoiding Dan’s eyes again, looking at their joint hands, breathing shaky and uneven. 

“I can’t keep going this way anymore Dan. I’m tired of it.” He said it so quietly that Dan had trouble hearing him. 

“I want to be happy. I’m sick of waiting for you to get your act together. I want to feel loved. You made me feel so unloved Dan.” He whispered, his voice catching in his throat and Dan felt like someone was reaching into his gut and twisting his insides, slowly and painfully. 

Phil lifted his face and looked at Dan through tear filled eyes, and Dan wasn’t even sure he could see him properly. 

“I want to be happy with you, I do, but I don’t know if you can make me happy anymore. And…and I don’t know if I can make you happy either. “

“But you do make me happy,” Dan protested. “You do! It was everything else that made me miserable, everything else was shit and I took it out on you because I’m a fuck up, you know I am. But I didn’t want to fuck things between us. I want to fix it. I want to prove to you I can make you happy again. I can make all of this better.” 

He was desperately clinging to Phil’s hand, trying to stay grounded, trying to articulate all this thoughts that were running through his head before it was too late. 

It couldn’t be the end. Not like this. Not because Dan was a screw up that ruined everything between them. 

To his surprise, Phil squeezed his hand back, clinging to him just as desperately as Dan. 

“Okay,” Phil said, barely audible. And Dan felt like he was spinning, a huge relief washing over him and making him feel almost weightless. He definitely didn’t except Phil to agree this quickly. Maybe the week of separation was hard on Phil as well.

Phil didn’t say anything else. He still looked timid, but he scooted a little closer to Dan’s body until their legs were touching. Dan could see he was unsure of what to do next, as if he still didn’t know how Dan would react to him being affectionate after so much time of feeling rejected. 

Dan took matters into his own hands, lifting his arms and wrapping them around Phil’s body, pulling him closer to him until Phil’s head was buried in Dan’s neck and he could feel his breath against his skin.  
Phil wrapped his own arms around Dan’s middle, pushing himself even more into Dan’s body. 

“But I’m serious Dan, things really have to change. I won’t endure it anymore, I deserve better.” Phil murmured, and even with him being physically pressed to Dan’s side, his voice still sounded far away, cold and distant. 

“You won’t have to. You do deserve better, I will treat you better. I’ll fix it.” Dan said, and in a moment of bravery he planted a kiss on the side of Phil’s head. 

Dan couldn’t pretend to not to feel hurt when his action made Phil pull away from him once again. 

“I’m tired,” he was avoiding Dan’s eyes once again. “I haven’t really slept that well this week. I’m going to bed.” he tried to smile at Dan’s direction, but the smile came out fake and tight. Nothing like Phil’s usual sunshine like smiles. 

Dan didn’t really have a chance to say anything before Phil got up and quickly made his way to his bedroom. 

Dan couldn’t suppress the sight that left his lips. Even though they technically decided to stay together, everything felt so tense between them, so broken. 

But Dan was determent to fix it. 

 

\---------------------

 

Dan rolled around in his bed for a few hours, trying to sleep before giving up. The knowledge that Phil was under the same roof as him, but in a different bed, was driving him crazy. 

He couldn’t see now why he ever chose not to sleep in the same bed as Phil when he had the privilege to. 

In a momentary decision he got out of bed and walked out of his room. 

Phil’s bedroom door was closed. Another change. In the last few months Phil made sure to always leave his door open, probably to make sure Dan knew he was welcome inside. 

Now he felt like the shut door was mocking him, rubbing in his face all of the things he had done wrong. 

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door gently, not wanting to wake Phil up on the off chance he was really asleep. 

When a quiet “yes” was heard from the other side, Dan didn’t waste time opening the door and making his way inside, shutting the door behind him. 

He couldn’t see very well in the dark room, but he was almost certain Phil was staring at him from his bed. 

“Can I maybe sleep here tonight?” Dan asked. He didn’t even care how desperate he sounded at that moment, he kind of wanted Phil to know he was desperate for his forgiveness. 

Phil was quiet for a moment and then Dan could hear a movement from the bed. 

“Yeah, it's okay.” He said eventually.

Dan made his way to the bed, careful not to bump into anything on his way. When he finally made it and lay down, he could feel that Phil’s body was as far away from him as possible, curled up on the far side of the bed. 

Dan didn’t want to test his luck, not after being rejected twice already today. 

“Goodnight,” he whispered after he made himself comfortable under the duvet, his back turned to Phil. 

“Goodnight Dan,” he heard a faint response from Phil. 

They both lay awake a while after that. Neither of their breaths going even with sleep.

Dan counted him being in the same bed as Phil as a win. It was still far from being good between them again, but it was a start, and Dan was planning to cherish every win he could get. 

“By the way,” Phil said, breaking the silence. “I’m always on your side.”

He said it quietly, almost to himself. 

“What?” Dan asked, rolling around so he could face Phil. 

Phil was still facing the other way, curled up on himself. 

“You said earlier that you didn’t know on which side I was. I’m on yours, always. Even if I disagree with you, even when you hurt me.” 

Dan felt his chest swell up two times its natural size. 

He scooted closer to Phil, testing the waters, and put his arms around Phil’s body from behind, squeezing him to his chest. 

Phil didn’t turn around, didn’t wiggle his body to be closer to Dan’s like he used to do in the past. Didn’t show any indication that he wanted Dan to hold him. 

But he didn’t push him away either, didn’t go rigid under his touch. 

And that was another win in Dan’s eyes. 

“I love you,” Dan said. He wanted Phil to know that he was loved. So very loved. Even when Dan had a funny way of showing it.

The words felt almost foreign on his tongue from the lack of use, but Dan liked the taste of them in his mouth. He was willing to say them again and again. 

And even though Phil didn’t answer, it still felt like progress. 

 

\-----------------

 

Things kept progressing between them in a slow pace, but in every day was another win, and that was enough to make Dan keep going. 

They were still walking on eggshells around each other, afraid to make the wrong move and send the house of cards they build their reconciliation on tumbling down. 

It was hard on Dan, probably hard on both of them, to feel so distant, to feel like his partner was so out of reach. 

But still. There were wins every day, small ones, but it had to be enough for now. 

 

\--------------------

 

The night they kissed for the first time after the fight was a good night. 

They spent the evening watching a crappy cooking show on the TV and laughing at the expense of the overly stressed, overly dramatic contestants. 

Things felt so close to being normal, so similar to the way they used to be before all of this started, and Dan was the most hopeful he had been in a long time. Things felt like they were looking up.

That night in bed they lay face to face, talking and smiling and Phil’s smile felt a lot less forced than usual. 

And when Dan reached out to trace Phil’s face with his fingers, moving them against his eyebrows gently, and then his cheeks and finally stopping at his lips, Phil didn’t push him away. On the contrary, he closed his eyes on an instinct, lips parting a little and face relaxing into Dan’s touch. 

It had been so long since Dan had Phil like this. So relaxed and calm in his presence, under his touch. 

“Can I kiss you?” Dan asked, because even though it was a good day, he didn’t want to step out of line, to read the situation wrong and ruin their progress. 

Phil opened his eyes and looked at him for a moment before nodding and closing them again.

Dan leaned forward, fingers moving back to Phil’s cheek before he touched his lips to Phil’s gently. 

It was a sweet kiss. Dan had to fight the desire to kiss for longer, to bite and to push and to slip his tongue into Phi’s mouth and taste the flavor he had missed so much. 

But he stopped himself. Because now was not the time and trust needed to be built slowly, and rebuilt even slower. 

He pulled back from Phil, feeling a mixture of content and desire for more. 

Phil was looking at him with happy eyes, and honestly, that was better than anything Dan could have asked for. Because nothing was better than Phil’s eyes looking bright and happy for a change. 

“You’re so pretty,” he said casually, fingers still tracing Phil’s features. 

Phil’s face had a weird expression on it for a second before he pushed himself into Dan’s neck for hiding. 

Dan moved his hand to Phil’s hair and scratched absentmindedly at his scalp, letting him hide his face from him. 

“What is it?” he asked gently, a little amused by how adorable his boyfriend was being. It had been a long time since they’d been shy and blushy around each other. 

“I’m just not used to hearing compliments from you anymore.” Phil murmured into Dan’s neck. 

Dan felt his spirit momentarily fall, but picked himself right up, not letting his self deprecating thoughts ruin the moment. He could not change the past, but he could make the future better. 

He pulled Phil a little closer to himself, kissing the top of his head. 

“Well, get used to it.” He said, feeling determination to shower Phil with compliments and affectionate words from now on. 

“Dan?” Phil said quietly, his voice muffled by Dan’s skin. 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re pretty too.” 

Dan just laughed and pulled him even closer. 

 

\-----------------------

 

Sometimes, when they were in the moment, it was hard to even remember that something was wrong. 

Since that night, kisses and touches became a lot more frequent between them. Dan started to feel Phil relax more and more, letting his guards down bit by bit and letting Dan in more easily. 

And it was easy to ignore it all sometimes, letting themselves feel whole and content. 

One night, when they were lying in bed, lazily making out, Dan had forgotten completely to be careful.

He could feel the heat starting to burn in his belly, making him pull Phil closer to him, starting to kiss harder and more possessive. 

It had been so long since they’d done anything sexual, and Dan missed it. God he missed it. 

The feeling of Phil’s naked body against his, the noises he would make, the look of hunger in his eyes. The feeling of intimacy and bliss from climaxing from the hands of the one you love. 

All those thoughts clouded his brain, and he didn’t even notice the hesitant way Phil was kissing him back. 

And when he reached his hand downwards from Phil’s lower back to his ass and squeezed, he absolutely mistook the noise of surprise and faint protest for the one of pleasure. 

But when he pushed himself against Phil, grinding their clothed crotches together, one hand still holding Phil by the ass and keeping him in place, he couldn’t misunderstood Phil’s intentions when he abruptly pulled away from the kiss. 

“Dan, stop,” Phil said, his voice breathless. 

Dan let out an involuntary whine, hips twitching with the desire to get more friction. 

“Baby please,” Dan said, barely audible, his lips moving to Phil’s neck. 

“Dan, I asked you to stop,” Phil said again, a lot firmer than the first time, his hands moving to Dan’s chest and pushing him away. 

And just like that, Dan could see sense again. 

He had a second of feeling horrified. Not because he wanted to have sex and Phil didn’t. No. they were together long enough, it wasn’t a rare occasion for one of them to be in the mood while the other one wasn’t. 

But now, when things were so fragile between them, Dan couldn’t allow himself to be reckless. 

Sexual intimacy was a big taboo between them right now, after everything that happened. 

Dan still had thoughts popping in his mind from time to time about what Phil had said that night in his room, and the day after when everything got blown up in their faces. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about Phil feeling sexually used in this relationship. Feeling like Dan saw him as a sex relief and not as a partner. 

“Phil… I’m sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I got carried away in the moment.” 

Phil was also looking quite sheepish, avoiding Dan’s eyes. 

“It’s okay,” he said. 

“No, it’s not, I should have asked you before-“ 

“Dan, it’s okay, really,” Phil interrupted him. 

“Maybe you should go and…sort yourself out,” he added awkwardly.

Dan nodded and got out of bed, going to the bathroom and locking himself inside. 

 

He didn’t really need to sort himself out anymore, the situation and the terror he felt took care of it already. But he could hear the undertone of Phil’s words. He wanted to be alone, even for a few minutes. Away from Dan. 

When Dan got back to the bedroom about ten minutes later, Phil was lying with his back turned to Dan, pretending to be asleep. 

Dan didn’t try to talk to him, curling up on his own side of the bed, feeling defeated. 

 

\----------------------

 

To say that Dan had a bad night of sleep would be an understatement. 

He tossed and turned the whole night, thinking and overthinking everything and anything.

By morning he was more than ready to have a much needed conversation with Phil. 

Even though things were slowly looking up for them, Dan couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t doing enough to fix things, to show Phil how important he was to him. 

And when Phil made his way to the kitchen in the morning, meeting a fully awake, determent Dan already standing there with a cup of coffee, Dan was ready with a plan that will make everything better. 

“I think we should come out to our audience,” Dan said, not even bothering with a polite ‘good morning’. 

Phil looked at him with a shocked expression on his face, and Dan couldn’t blame him. 

After all, he was the one to push the notion of them as platonic friends so hard, wanting to make sure no one would ever mistake them for anything but. 

“What makes you say that?” Phil asked cautiously, looking at him with suspicious eyes. 

“Well, I was thinking of ways to get you to see how serious I am about us. Thinking of how I can show you you can trust me again, and that felt like the perfect way.” 

And he was so sure Phil was going to be happy, that this was what he wanted, that he couldn’t even mask the surprise on his face when Phil’s expression suddenly became angry. 

“Is this about last night? Because I wouldn’t sleep with you? Is this some means to an end for you?” 

He looked so disgusted with this idea and Dan couldn’t understand how they could be on such different wavelength while talking about the same thing. 

“No!” he protested. “It’s not that at all! I don’t care about the sex! I mean, I do, but I’m fine with waiting, as long as you need! If you don’t want to have sex again ever that’s fine too! I just thought that’s what you wanted, I just wanted to make you happy, to make things good between us again.” 

Phil physically deflated when Dan finished talking, looking at him with wide eyes. 

He stared at him for a moment, not saying anything, before making his way to Dan, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

Dan could not be more confused. 

“I don’t want to tell the internet about us. At least not yet. I never did.” Phil said. 

“I didn’t like the way you handled all of it, but I didn’t want to tell them either.” Phil’s face was so close to Dan’s now that he could feel the breath coming out of Phil’s mouth as he spoke. He didn’t look angry at all anymore. If Dan had to put a name to it he would have to say that Phil even looked a little bit fond. 

“And it wouldn’t solve anything Dan. Putting this kind of pressure on our relationship right now can only harm it honestly.” He added. 

Dan let his forehead fall onto Phil’s shoulder, lifting his arms and wrapping them around Phil as well. 

“Then tell me what to do to make it better, to make you feel comfortable again.” He said quietly, feeling defeated. 

Phil moved his hands in a slow, circular motion on Dan’s back, trying to soothe him. 

“There’s nothing more you can do. I just need time. We need time to build what we’ve broken. But we’ll get there, we’ll be okay, I know it now.” 

“I love you,” Dan said, his voice thick from the emotions and his sleepless night. 

“Yeah, me too,” Phil replied. 

He couldn’t say the words yet, but that was okay, they had time. 

They were going to be okay. 

 

\----------------------

 

But sometimes, it felt like they weren’t going to be okay. Not at all. 

Because old habits die hard, and Dan found it impossible to keep walking on eggshells when he was angry and looking for someone to get his anger out on. 

And it was just one of those days. 

The water in the shower was cold because Phil had forgotten to turn on the boiler when Dan had asked him to, and there was no cereal left for him again and no other valid breakfast choices, and his last video had more comments about ‘phan’ then the actual content he uploaded.

By the evening all of his nerves were on edge and he just couldn’t handle being cooped up in their flat anymore. Couldn’t handle being in Phil’s presence for another moment. 

“Where are you going?” Phil asked when he saw Dan putting on his shoes. 

“Out,” he answered shortly, not even bothering to look at Phil’s face. 

“Out where?” Phil insisted.  
“Well, that’s none of your business is it?” he snapped. 

Even through his anger Dan could tell he was going to regret that one later, but he didn’t dwell on it, walking out of the apartment and leaving a disappointed looking Phil behind. 

 

\-------------------------------

 

He went for a walk in their neighborhood, not trying to get to anywhere in particular, just trying to burn the negative energy out of his system. 

By the time he got back home he was a lot less pissed off and a lot more afraid to face Phil. 

He had been so carful since they made up, trying so hard to build the trust between them again, to make Phil feel safe and loved and appreciated in this relationship. 

And he hated to think that he’d thrown it all away because of a bad mood. 

Phil was set in the lounge when Dan walked in, working on his laptop and ignoring Dan’s presence. 

“Hey,” Dan tried to say, but Phil refused to look at him or acknowledge him in any way. 

Dan let out a sigh and went to sit down on the sofa next to Phil, careful not to sit to closely and anger him even more. 

“Phil… I’m sorry, it was just a crappy day. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Dan said, but still got no response. 

He started to get a little irritated by Phil’s way of approaching the situation. 

Yes, he snapped, he was rude and out of line, but he was also apologizing. Couldn’t Phil see how much he was trying?

“Can you please look at me? I said I’m sorry,” he tried again, keeping his voice calm. 

At that Phil’s look snapped from the laptop to his direction, his eyes narrowed and hurt. 

“So I should just say it’s okay because you apologized? Just let it go like I did all this time? That’s not going to work for me anymore, I told you I’m not going to tolerate this bullshit anymore.” 

And something in Phil’s voice, the demanding, angry tone he was using, made Dan feel his anger rise again in his stomach. 

“Don’t you think you’re being unfair?” he asked, tying to compose his voice and talk calmly. And failing. 

“Oh I’m being unfair? To you? That’s rich,” he was completely facing Dan now, laptop closed and thrown to the side.

“Yes, you are! I’ve been trying so hard to do everything right, to fix things and to please you, can’t you give me some slack?”

“So I should just accept every bad thing you do because you’re trying? That’s not how it works.”

“That’s not what I said!” Dan was seriously straggling to keep his voice from rising. 

“I was in a bad mood, it was a shit day. And I shouldn’t have snapped at you, but also, as my partner, I would expect you to understand that it had nothing to do with you, that sometimes that happens, and let it go.” 

Phil looked a little more deflated, but kept going either way.

“And you know that a year back that’s exactly what I would have done, but now it’s not that simple for me.” 

Dan was getting tired of this pointless argument. 

“You can’t keep punishing me Phil. I know it’s hard for you, I get that. I know we still got a long way to go, and I respect that. But you chose to be with me, you chose to forgive me, and we can’t keep being careful with every step we take.” 

Phil was looking at his lap while Dan was talking, cheeks pink and angry, but Dan could see he was listening. 

“we live together, we are a couple, and sometimes we are going to fight, or one of us will take his anger out on the other because that’s a thing that happens when you spend all of your time with someone. But you can’t keep dangling the past above my head all the time, we need to move forward. You need to decide if you forgive me or… or not.” 

He felt exhausted when he finished talking, like saying those few sentences drain all of his energy. 

Phil was still looking at his lap, refusing to meet Dan’s eyes. Dan sighed in defeat, he said everything he had to say.  
He got up from the couch, not saying a word, and made his way to his room, closing the door after him. 

 

\-------------------------

 

A few hours later Dan was already regretting everything he said. 

It’s not that he didn’t think he was right, but he also understood that things were not as simple as that. 

But most of all, when he went through his own words in his head again, they felt a lot like an ultimatum. And Dan was terrified to put Phil in the position to choose, because he wasn’t sure at all that Phil would choose him. 

He was just about ready to go to Phil’s room and apologize when a knock was heard from his door. 

“Yes?” he said carefully, feeling scared and hopeful all at once. 

The door opened to revile a bashful looking Phil. He was looking at his feet, playing with his fingers. 

Before Dan had the chance to say anything, Phil was marching towards the bed where Dan was sitting, leaning against the headboard. He made his way there quickly, and suddenly he was on the bed, straddling Dan’s lap and burying his face in Dan’s neck. 

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s body on an instinct, feeling confused but extremely happy by the turn of events. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered into the skin of Dan’s neck, leaving a small kiss there and sending shivers down Dan’s spine. 

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have said what I’ve said. It was out of place.” Dan said, moving his hands up and down Phil’s back, soothing him. 

Phil shook his head. 

“No, you were right. I have been punishing you, even if I didn’t really realize it until you said it. You shouldn’t be afraid of my every reaction, I want us both to feel better in this relationship. If we are going to move forwards, we should do it as equals. You shouldn’t keep feeling that you’re fighting for me to stay.” 

Phil was clinging to him now, hands fisting the front of Dan’s shirt, nose nuzzling Dan’s neck and shoulder. 

 

“It’s just that… when you said it wasn’t my business to know where you were going, it felt so similar to all those other times, when you would shut me out and snap at me and go out for hours with god knows who to god knows where, coming home acting like it was a completely acceptable behavior. “ 

Dan was starting to feel his chest heavy again, and he pulled Phil a little closer to himself, one hand moving to the back of his head. 

“I’m sorry-“ 

“No.” Phil interrupted him, pulling from Dan’s hold so he could sit upright and look at him.

“I didn’t say that so you would feel even guiltier. What I meant to say was, that I know it’s not what’s happening here right now, I know we’re in a different place. And the fact that I’m having trouble letting the past go…well, that’s on me, that’s something I need to work on. You were right when you said I chose to forgive you, I can’t keep holding the past above your head.” 

Phil moved one of his hands from Dan’s shirt to his cheek, pushing his thumb against the place Dan’s dimple should be, making him smile and causing the dimple to make an appearance.

“So basically what I’m saying is, that this relationship is a two way street, and we both have things we need to work on, but that’s okay because we have each other to make it worth the effort.” 

And then Phil was kissing him, hard and passionate, like he wanted to prove to him how serious he was about what he said, how serious he was about making their relationship work by working together. 

And it was so different from the sweet kisses they’d shared in the last few weeks.

 

Phil’s hands moved to the back of Dan’s neck, pulling him closer, biting his bottom lip. 

Dan let out a surprise groan, his tongue licking its way into Phil’s inviting mouth, his hand moving automatically to Phil’s bum and squeezing it. 

Phil’s hips twitched at the contact for a second and then Phil was pushing himself against Dan, making them both gasp. 

“Wait, wait,” Dan said, using all his self-control to pull away from Phil’s mouth. 

Phil immediately stopped, moving a little backwards on Dan’s lap to create distance between their crotches. 

“We should stop, if we keep going like this it will be a lot harder for me to stop later, literally.” Dan said, his hand moving up from Phil’s ass to his lower back where his t-shirt rode up. 

“Do you want us to stop?” Phil asked, looking at him with dilated pupils and Dan wanted to take his words back that instant and kiss Phil’s ridiculously pink lips senseless. 

“No, obviously, but I don’t want to rush you,” he answered. 

Phil kissed him again, slow and deep. 

“Then we shouldn’t stop,” Phil said, moving his mouth to Dan’s neck and sending shivers down Dan’s spine. 

“If you’re sure,” Dan said, moving his hand to Phil’s hair when Phil sucked on a particularly sensitive spot on his neck. 

“I’m sure,” he answered.

“I don’t want you to feel pressure because you think I’m mad at you from earlier or that I’m tired of waiting, because that’s not the case-“ 

“Dan.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Shut up please.” 

 

\--------------------------

 

They were gentle with each other. Touching and kissing and complementing more than they used to. 

The sensations and pleasure were heightened from the emotion every movement held, from knowing that they worked hard to get to where they were now, from knowing how close they were to losing each other.

And when they lay together after, still giddy and kissing and holding each other as close as they could, things felt…good. 

They still had things to work on. Dan still had things to prove and Phil still had a lot of forgiving to do. 

But when Phil nuzzled himself against Dan’s cheek, whispering “I love you,” not like it’s a secret but like it’s theirs, Dan knew, without a doubt, they will make it through.

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on a prompt from tumblr, so thanks anon! <3 
> 
> this one took a lot out of me!  
> I didn't expect it to be this long omg
> 
> I really hope you liked it! it was very important for me to give this guys a happy ending :)
> 
> as always, leave a comment with your thoughts please, and follow me on tumblr if you want (phantasticlizzy), you are more than welcome to send me prompts there :)


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